Russ Cantu (Home)

BEST FRIENDS FOREVER! [RELATIONAL CHANGE]

Hitting hard, this chapter explores the relational shift a young teen goes through upon and throughout adolescence. It is about the transition from choosing friendships based on proximity versus friendships based on affinity. This transition is normally paired with the transition from concrete to abstract thinking. 

In chapter six, Mark talks about the young teen who is both trying to figure themselves out, and who they want to be around. This is where the affinity groups come in. Perhaps in childhood, a young teen played with a certain friend based on where they lived. Now as a full-fledged young teen, they play (or now, do life) with those they have common interests with. This draw towards an affinity group is multi-faceted though. He explains it through his explanation of life with his daughter Liesel, when she was going through this change. She would be one person to this group, another to a next; and a third to a family. However, during this transition period she was not being a completely separate person, but rather the same person just trying to figure things out on her own. 

“She was trying them all on, like different wardrobes, in an attempt to discover more about herself.” [p. 104]

The question I have is this: do we judge our young teens based on who they are becoming, or who they are? It could be that our answer to that question determines how we minister to and with them. 

Looking at how young teens develop friendships through the process of maturation, how boys develop via doing and girls via talking… 

1. What constraints are we putting (forcing) on them in ministry?
2. Are we forcing our guys to over-talk when we place them in small groups? 

ROLLER-COASTER FREAK SHOW [EMOTIONAL DEVELOPMENT]

It is like everything is coming out, directed almost aimlessly, completely uncontrollable; irregardless of consequences and impact. Emotions are the topic of conversation that come out of Mark’s book in chapter five. He lists these new-found emotions as a new tool belt in a young teen’s development, in the space between concrete think and abstract. For better or worse, during this time of transition, young teens are blessed with new feelings that they have no clue how to use. We could sit back and pray that we have done a good enough job modeling behavior for them, and while that may certainly help, it will not guarantee certain responses. 

There is this new horizon that awaits a young teen with their new emotional tools. And while we (parents, influencers) may attempt to control these emotions, perhaps the best path of travel would be to join in these emotions with them. Instead of correcting emotions, participate in them. This is one of the essentials for a community of practice. For example, to join in the suffering of another human being. When one is hurt beyond description, to sit silent and hurt alongside them. This is not rocket science for sure, but is it practiced? Do you regularly join in the ups and downs of those you serve? 

“And, of course, when appropriate, it’s wonderful to enter into an emotion with a middle schooler… This will be a very different experience than kids usually have, as they’re more accustomed to adults responding to their emotions…” [p. 95]

1. In what ways are you entering into the emotions of your students?
2. How can entering into their emotions benefit both them, and you?
3. What steps can you take as a small group leader to make sure your group enters into the emotions of one another within the group?

MIND-WARP [COGNITIVE DEVELOPMENT]

Have you ever wondered why young teens are the way they are? Why at times it seems as if they are completely engaged with you one moment and the next they are off playing games in their mind as they stare off into space? Having worked with young teens now for almost 15 years, I experience this on a regular basis. As a pastor and small group leader, I have often noticed the kid who is answering questions and sharing the deepest parts of their life can also almost instantaneously go off into stare zone, completely shut off to all communication or simply not “get it”. 

These things are not uncommon in the young teen world. And they are not bad things either. Having young teens getting it one moment and not getting it the next is totally acceptable. In fact, this is and should be the norm. Their bodies AND THEIR MINDS are undergoing a rapid change process. The move from concrete to abstract does not happen overnight. It is all a part of the process of becoming. Young teens are constantly in a state of becoming (aren’t we all). As we search to understand our young teens more and thus become more effective leaders, know that your continual presence in the life of a young teen can grow their faith… and yours. You are both on a journey of becoming. May you both learn immensely from this experience. 

“It would be nice if your child were simply the concrete-thinking tower girl or Garrett [abstract thinker]. Then at least you’d know which path to take when talking about abstract things. Yeah, that would be nice. But it’s not reality. The reality is that every young teen pops in and out of abstract thinking.” [p. 77]

1. How is your small group catering to both concrete and abstract-thinking young teens?
2. In what ways has this book helped you understand young teens so far?
3. How can you challenge your group to think deeper, while taking into consideration the makeup of the group?

WALKING HORMONES [PHYSICAL AND SEXUAL DEVELOPMENT]

Chapter three brought us to one of the most tantamount sections of parenting and guidance we have come to thus yet: “Walking Hormones”. We all know that one kid who reeks of him or herself from lack of a quality shower, or the kid who walks around thinking they’re the stuff because their bodies are ahead of the curve. We know these things to be true. Yet do we talk about the changes young teens experience, and how these changes affect the ministry to a person or a group?

The changes our teens are experiencing are not to be taboo. In fact, the more we openly discuss these changes with sensitivity and an appreciation of who we are communicating with, the better adept we are to be a continual fountain of knowledge and guidance for young teens who don’t know what’s going on. The parent, youth worker or adult of influence who chooses not to discuss the physiological changes a pubescent young teen is going through is the person who loses touch with reality quite quickly. They will no longer hold the high place of esteem they may have once held, but instead be looked at as someone who is afraid to talk with “the new me” (the new changed me). 

“The physical changes of early adolescence are truly massive and world changing. And they bring with them universal concern and fear. Every young teen feels abnormal at one point or another.” [p. 61] 

1. What can you remember about your journey through hormonal changes as a young teen?
2. How can we as a youth staff help guide our young teens through this stage in their maturation?
3. If you are also a parent, what can you do to best help your own children navigate through these awkward years (awkward to both you and your child)?

IT’S ALL ABOUT CHANGE

This chapter, is really all about you. But it’s not; and it is. There is a mass idea out there that as parents, we don’t need to try and understand our young teens, because we already do. After all, we were there once and things haven’t changed all that much. The thing is, things have changed dramatically. The fabric of our culture today - within the young teen context and within general society - is so far removed from the normalcy of our day (if you want to call it that). The challenges young teens face today pose a greater risk factor, influences are more demanding and apparent, yet parents for the most part think they have this handled. While I certainly pray that they do, this is hardly ever the case. The most effective parents are the parents who actively engage on the level of their young teens; not the aloof parents who think by ignoring and praying, the teen years will go away. 

“The most important thing you can do to increase your effectiveness, as a christian parent of a middle schooler, is to deepen your own connection to God.” [p. 29] 

1. What steps are you taking, alone and/or with your spouse to improve your connection with God?

2. How are your young teens seeing you improve that connection?

“If you asked me (Go ahead and ask. Say it out loud: “Marko, if you were to describe the young teen experience in one word, what word would you choose?”) I’d respond calmly: “Change.” Change. That’s it, in a word. The life of a middle schooler is all about change.” [p. 31] 

1. What changes are you noticing in the young teens entrusted to your care?

2. How are you walking their road with them, not against them?